Sticking Point

A sticking point is the one step where your interactions regularly get stuck. The phrase can be used for a recurring weak spot: you manage to approach but the conversation dies, or conversations go well but you never get a number, or dates go well but never lead to a second one. Finding it is the quickest way to improve, because you can stop working on everything and work on one thing.

The usual stages

Most interactions pass through the same steps, and the sticking point is usually in one of them:

1. Approach. You do not go up to people at all. See approach anxiety.
2. Opening. Your first line gets no reaction. See openers.
3. Conversation. Small talk runs dry. See What to Talk About on a First Date.
4. Interest. You are friendly but she sees you as a friend. See friend zone.
5. Contact. You never exchange numbers. See number close.
6. Meeting. She cancels or does not show up. See flake.
7. Date. The date is nice but nothing follows. See First Date Mistakes.

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How to find yours

Keep a short log after each interaction: where did it end? After ten or fifteen entries the pattern is usually obvious. Ask a friend you trust, or record yourself speaking, to check what you cannot see.

Example

A man keeps a log for three weeks. Eight of ten conversations go fine for a few minutes and then fade. His sticking point is the middle of the conversation, not courage. So he practises asking follow-up questions and sharing short stories, instead of memorising new openers.

Common mistakes

• Picking the wrong problem. Men often blame the opener when the real issue is later.
• Trying to fix everything. Work on one step for a few weeks, then move to the next.
• Using it as an excuse. “My sticking point is X” is useful only if you then practise X.
• Overlooking inner game. Sometimes the cause is nerves or neediness, not technique. See inner game.