I have a good friend who definitely fits the definition of AFC. In his mid twenties, he is still a virgin, once kissed a girl (one of his proudest stories), and constantly moans about how women “always go for the douchebags who don’t care for them”. But by far and away the biggest thing that marks him out as an AFC to me is the fact that he feels constantly compelled to defend women in situations where they aren’t receiving any insult or danger. We call the need to ‘defend’ women white knight syndrome, and sadly, I tend to meet a lot of white knights.
When I flirt, I tend to keep my conversations challenging for both parties; being accepting and jokingly insulting in equal measure. This, one evening, saw me call a woman a “drunk bitch” because she fell over and slurred her words (this type of language was by no means different from how me and her talked to each other). My friend, misguided as he was, felt compelled to stand up and say to all in the room “Now [my name]! That is a very rude thing to say to her!”. Everyone went silent and looked at him for a moment, until the girl on the floor thankfully broke the silence rather beautifully by screaming “Yeah [my name] don’t be a whore!”. Normality restored. After the party I took my friend aside and explained to him what he was doing wrong and why it made women think that he was weird. So here is a short version of the white knight talk.
1. It’s Sexist
Our ideas of knighthood and chivalry are derived from an age where men were infinitely more powerful than women, and thus chivalry encouraged men to help those who were not in control of their own lives. By leaping in to defend a woman’s ‘honor’ today (especially without asking her), you are making the assumption that she can’t help herself. Let her call out a guy if he’s being a dickhead.
2. It’s Creepy
Do you know who the two biggest groups of people in the world who concerned with women’s honor are? The very religious, and the ‘nice guys’. Incidentally neither of these groups get a lot of action out of wedlock. By obsessing over the reputation or battles (perceived or real) of a woman who is not your close friend or lover, you are showing a very suggestive interest in her. Be a man and show your interest by flirting.
3. It’s Your Problem
If you are bravely jumping to the aid of some damsel, you almost definitely haven’t stopped to think about whether she finds it to be a problem. To intervene is to enforce your ego on her, as you don’t know if she finds what was said offensive. In fact all it does is tell everyone that you are uncomfortable with the word ‘bitch’ (for example).
There are Cooler Ways to do it
In this postmodern, cynical age, no one stands up and straight up calls people out on their flaws in front of others. If you are a PUA worth anything, then you will at some point have had to fend of men on behalf of girls you are out clubbing with. Unless you are an idiot, you don’t do this by standing up and saying to the interloper “Look man, your presence is making this lady feel uncomfortable and she is not interested in you.” Even if you are right in saying something like that, you can do it with more class and more subtlety. For example (going back to the my white knight experience) you could simply say over the shoulder something along the lines of “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” and then move the conversation on. Try and be slick guys.
What to do
These three attitude changes should help you to avoid white knight behavior.
1. Like the Player
One of the first things you should do is to listen to what men say to women and try to figure out whether it is a misguided attempt at being edgy or emotional genius. Even if it is against your friend or partner, good game is good game, and you can learn a lot from observing before acting. If a guy says something that stirs your inner white knight, pause. The first thing that you should do is to give him respect for attempting to say something that risks a negative reaction. That is something that the majority of the social cattle around you will never attempt in their lifetime.
2. Be Edgy
On that note, you need to understand what makes a good edgy line if you want to call people out for using bad ones. Practice adding a bit of spice to your conversations: all you need to do is ask why someone thinks something, or disagree with them on a minor point, that is usually sufficient to generate a little pleasurable friction. Come to enjoy that look on a woman’s face when she is snapped out of automatic conversation mode because you didn’t follow the standard routine of polite agreement. A conversation is so much nicer when both parties have to think about what they are saying.
3. Like the Women
Ultimately you need to realize that women are (deservedly) in charge of their own lives, and that it has taken a long time to get there. This is the best thing that could have happened to the dating game, as it make men like you and I become better people so that we are attractive to women (as opposed to back in the day when women were regarded as talking property, you didn’t need to be a great man back then). You need to play by these new rules and accept that it is up to the woman whether to be offended or not, and to decide if your help is needed. Focus on your own game buddy.
For more information’s about the white knight syndrome, watch this video:
My advice, don’t loose your time with this kind of guys.
They are the worst kind of wingman you will ever find.
They will do it all to spoil your game and your chances to have a great time.
Even if they don’t succeed in that, most probably, people will think you are a
weirdo because he is with you and you are “allowing” him to challenge you or even disrespect you even in subtle ways.
Besides that, under the knighthood paradigm, most probably you will find a
very envious, jelous and insecure guy that will take your advice as insults to
his “style” or way of been. I don’t like generalizations but this had been my experience. Some people, cannot be helped.