Banter

Banter is playful back-and-forth talk: light teasing, jokes and quick comebacks that both people enjoy. It is one of the most common ways to flirt, because it shows humour, confidence and interest in the same breath. The key word is both: banter only works when each side is clearly in on the joke.

How it works

Good banter has a few ingredients:

• Play, not attack. The teasing is about something small and harmless: a food choice, an accent, a habit.
• Exaggeration. “You’re clearly a hardened criminal. Nobody orders that much pasta by accident.”
• Warmth. A smile or tone of voice signals “I like you” under the joke.
• Taking turns. She teases back and you enjoy it instead of defending yourself. See shit test.
• Reading the reaction. If she laughs and joins in, continue. If she goes quiet, stop and be sincere.

It is the practical core of cocky & funny and often alternates with warmth, as in push-pull.

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Example

Her: “I’m having a salad. I’m very healthy.” You: “Sure. And the dessert menu you keep looking at is for research?” Her: “Academic interest only.” You: “Then I’ll make notes.”

Banter or insult?

The line between the two is thin. A test: would she laugh if a friend said the same? Avoid jokes about looks she may be insecure about, her family or anything that sounds like a real criticism. Teasing that turns into negging usually backfires. In text, where tone is missing, be even more careful and add a clear signal such as a smile or emoji.

Practising

Banter is a skill you can train with friends, who are good at telling you when you went too far. Listen first, pick up on something specific she said and answer with a joke about it, not a prepared line. Prepared lines are fine for a start (see funny pickup lines), but real banter comes from what is happening in the conversation.