Benching

Benching means keeping someone on the sidelines as a backup. The person stays in touch, sends a message now and then and may even make a vague plan, but is not a priority. Like a substitute on a sports team, they only get a turn if the first choice does not work out.

Benching is close to breadcrumbing. The difference is that a benched person usually has a real history with the other one, such as a few dates or a short relationship, and is being kept available rather than strung along from the start.

Signs

• Contact is irregular and always on the other person’s terms.
• Plans are cancelled or postponed, and replies come late.
• You hear from them on lonely or boring evenings, rarely on busy ones.
• Meeting up never goes beyond “sometime soon”.
• You get compliments, but nothing that shows you are a priority.

Remember that a busy period or a bad phase can look the same from the outside. What counts is the pattern over several weeks.

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Example

Him: Miss you! Let’s get dinner soon.

You: Sure, how about Friday?

Him: Can’t this week, I’ll let you know.

(three weeks later) Him: Hey you, what are you up to tonight?

How to react

• Name what you want. “I’m looking for someone who makes time for me. Is that you?” A clear answer is worth more than a month of guessing.
• Don’t be on call. Decline last-minute invitations that suit only the other person.
• Count actions. Keep track of what has actually happened, not what has been promised.
• Keep your options open. Stay available to meet other people, with the same standards you’d hold a partner to.

Being kept in reserve can also feed neediness and a sense of scarcity. The answer is to widen your own social life and dating, not to try harder for one person. See also she doesn’t want a relationship.

How to avoid doing it

If you’re unsure about someone, say so. Telling the person “I enjoy your company, but I’m not looking for more” is fairer than keeping them waiting.