Gaslighting

Gaslighting means getting another person to doubt their own memory, judgement or feelings. In dating it often sounds like “that never happened”, “you’re imagining things” or “you’re too sensitive”, said in response to a reasonable concern. The word comes from the 1938 play Gas Light and its film adaptations, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she is losing her mind.

The word is used very widely online and not every disagreement is gaslighting. Forgetting something, remembering it differently or being defensive in an argument is normal. The term fits when denial and dismissal become a pattern that leaves you unsure of what is real.

Signs

• You are told something you clearly remember “never happened”.
• Your concerns are turned into a flaw: “you’re paranoid”, “you’re overreacting”.
• You apologise often, even when unsure what for.
• You keep notes or screenshots to prove things to yourself.
• You feel confused and less sure of yourself since the relationship began.

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Example

You: You said you’d call me on Friday.

Him: I never said that. You always twist things.

(Yet the text is still on your phone.)

How to react

• Write things down. Keep dates and messages. That is for your own clarity, not for an argument.
• Say what you saw. “I remember it differently, and it matters to me.” Stay calm, you don’t need to win the point.
• Check with someone you trust. An outside view helps you judge whether your memory is the problem.
• Look at the whole pattern, not one conversation. One slip is human; a repeated one is a reason to reconsider.
• Ask for support from a counsellor or a helpline if you feel trapped or fearful.

Gaslighting can follow love bombing when early warmth turns into doubt and criticism. If you are seeing the signs, our guides on signs your relationship is over and reasons to break up may help you think it through.

How to avoid doing it

Listen first and don’t dismiss a concern just because it is uncomfortable. If your memory differs, say “I remember it differently, can we talk about it?” and mean it. Check yourself for neediness or the urge to win.