Negging

Negging means giving a woman a backhanded compliment or a mild put-down, so that she feels slightly unsure and starts to look for your approval. In the pickup community the remark itself is called a “neg”. The term is associated with Mystery (Erik von Markovik) and became widely known through Neil Strauss’s book “The Game” (2005).

How it is meant to work

The theory goes like this: a woman who gets a lot of attention is used to flattery, so a man who simply praises her blends in. A light neg is supposed to show that you are not trying to win her over, and to make her qualify herself to you instead. It is a close cousin of the disqualifier, a playful line that “rules you out” before she can do it.

Example

She is wearing an odd hat. A neg would be: “Nice hat. Did you lose a bet?” Said with a smile, this is a joke. Said flatly, it is simply an insult.

When it backfires

Most people do not hear a clever technique. They hear someone who is rude, insecure or trying to push their confidence down. Negging has been criticised for exactly that reason: it works, if at all, by lowering another person’s self-esteem, which is a poor basis for attraction and a worse one for a relationship. Women who know the technique recognise it at once, and the interaction is over.

If you want the useful part (being playful instead of just flattering), there are better ways to do it:

• Tease her about something you both clearly see as harmless, the way cocky & funny describes it, and be ready to be teased back. See also banter.
• Give a specific, honest compliment and move on, as in the compliment opener.
• Show interest through your questions and your attention, not through small attacks.

Rule of thumb: if the line would hurt her feelings when she takes it literally, do not say it.