How do I find out my love language?

Notice what you ask for most and what hurts most when it's missing, or take our free love language test. Your partner can do the same, then compare your results.

Are the love languages scientifically proven?

Not really. Studies find little evidence that people have one fixed love language or that matching them makes couples happier. It works best as a conversation starter, not as a rule.

5 Love Languages

Q: What are the 5 love languages?

Words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. The idea comes from Gary Chapman's 1992 book The Five Love Languages.

Love may be a universal concept, but how it is expressed differs from person to person. Some people are reserved - and are thus discreet in showing their affections - while others have no qualms about displaying their love. The theory of the five love languages developed by Dr. Gary Chapman and published as a book aims to define and explore the different expressions of love people have. It works with the belief that every person has a primary love language (one of the five) which governs how they communicate and experience love. It is a simple theory that has garnered both the attention of experts and a huge following.

What are the 5 Love Languages?

This is a summary of all five love languages if you want to know more about your or your partner love language, follow the link below each.

Acts of Service

The saying “actions speak louder than words” rings the truest for people with “acts of service” as their primary love language. They feel the most loved when their partner does things for them either to lighten their load or generally just to make them happy. The actions need not be grand; even taking over a simple chore or doing what they were asked to do is enough to let them feel that they are cared for. Naturally, they feel overlooked when their significant other skirts responsibilities or exhibits laziness to the point that they have to pick up the slack. An individual with an “acts of service” mindset communicates their love by doing things for their significant other. They often go out of their way to ease their partner’s burden. Our guide to acts of service has 50 examples for her and for him; more ideas and gift tips are behind the link below.

Physical Touch

According to the theory, people who have this as their primary love language use “appropriate touch” to express and experience love. The purpose of the qualifier “appropriate” is to emphasize the fact that “touch” here is less about sexual intimacy and more about physical closeness in general. While getting intimate in the bedroom helps in nurturing the fires of a romantic relationship, simple acts of touching like holding hands and hugging also play a huge part. In fact, the mere presence of their partner is usually enough for them to feel more secure in their relationship. Aside from using touch, they also go out of their way to be physically present to express their love. Naturally, they feel the most loved when their partner does the same. Find more info, tips, date ideas and even gift ideas for people with the love language Physical Touch by following the link below.

Quality Time

Individuals with this as their primary love language value moments wherein they have their partner’s undivided attention. “Quality time” for them is more about focusing on one another instead of just doing things as a couple or literally being together. For instance: Spending the day lounging around in the house, with each doing what they want, does not fit their idea of quality time. But going out on a dinner date wherein meaningful conversation can take place, does. Find more info, tips, date ideas and even gift ideas for people with the love language Quality Time by following the link below.

Receiving Gifts

People who value this love language are often mistaken to be materialistic. While this may seem so, there is a huge difference. In materialism, the worth of an object is usually tied to its monetary value, and the giver is judged accordingly. But for individuals whose primary language is “receiving gifts”, the worth or value of a gift depends primarily on the time and effort spent by the giver. In other words, it is the other person’s thoughtfulness and the act of giving that matter. They consider the gift itself as a visible reminder that they are thought of and consequently, loved. A person with this primary language often expresses their love through gift-giving. They take pride in remembering important dates and spending time on the perfect gift or token to go with it. Find more info, tips, date ideas and even gift ideas for people with the love language Receiving Gifts by following the link below. Gift ideas that fit this love language: gifts for your girlfriend and gifts for your boyfriend.

Words of Affirmation

Verbal communication is the key to the heart of people whose love language is “words of affirmation”. They express their love through compliments, praise, and words of encouragement, and feel valued when they hear the same from their significant other. Partners of individuals in this group should learn to use their words to strengthen their relationship. Words that exhibit encouragement, humility, kindness, and tenderness will go a long way towards making their significant other feel appreciated and even more loved. Find more info, tips, date ideas and even gift ideas for people with the love language Words of Affirmation by following the link below. For 100 examples to say or text, read our guide to words of affirmation.

How to use the love languages in your relationship

Most people show love the way they'd like to receive it. That's the problem: if you fix her bike (acts of service) but she wants an evening with your full attention (quality time), your effort goes unnoticed. A few practical steps:

Find out both your love languages. Take the love language test together and talk about the results.
Watch what she asks for. "We never do anything together" points to quality time, "You never say it" to words of affirmation.
Notice what hurts her most. Forgotten birthdays, a cold shoulder, a careless remark: what hits hardest usually shows her love language.
Speak her language on purpose. It may feel unnatural at first. That's fine: doing it anyway is what makes it count.
Tell her yours. She can't guess it either.

Need ideas? Choose a gift by love language in our guide to gifts for your girlfriend, or use the questions to ask your girlfriend to find out what makes her feel loved.

Criticism

The love languages are hugely popular, but they are a self-help idea, not a scientific finding. Researchers point out that most people value all five, that preferences can change, and that there is little evidence that couples who "speak" each other's language are happier. Use them as a way to talk about what you both need, not as a label.